Ants go marching one by one

One of the benefits of cultivating an eco-friendly lawn is the creation of a healthy eco-system. It's also one of the downsides. Once all the toxic chemicals have been purged from the grass, insects return. They frolic, lay eggs, visit flowers, die. That's when the trashman cometh.

Our home has been invaded by ants, those friendly sanitation workers of the natural world. They started off by congregating in the kitchen. Next, they were seen dancing across the wood floors. Finally, they were sighted washing up in the bathroom.

I have a particular fondness for ants. In elementary school, I was on a first-name basis with a colony of fire ants. They would wait for me on the playground. During lunch recess, I would hurry out to throw them the crusts from my pressed-ham & mustard sandwich. They were always happy to see me. Convinced of their loyalty to me, I believed I could easily sit in the middle of the ant bed -- unbitten.

I never tested my theory.

SO, on the other hand, is not fond of ants. Grabbing a can of Raid, he attacks the platoons of raiding scouts with nary a twinge of conscience. He spent an entire afternoon last week battling the kitchen brigade. I sympathized, but part of me felt bad for those industrious fellows.

Until Saturday morning, when I had to empty all the pantry shelves and engage the little buggers in my own hellish wargames.

This week, I'm able to crush them with a thumbnail without a second thought. We are so consumed with getting them out of the house that we're seeing ants everywhere: on the paneling, crawling on the bedspread, on Sport's leg, in LegoGuy's hair. It's even more creepy to actually find one in a weird and unsettling place: one was crawling on my chin last night.

In looking for an environmentally-friendly way to uninvite the ants, I came across a home remedy that incorporates baby powder. Apparently they don't like scented talcum. Also, they won't cross a line of cayenne pepper. I'm willing to try this first before calling an exterminator.

But if I find another one of those suckers on any part of my body, I'm calling out the weapons of mass destruction.