We're havin' us a wedding!

My boss is getting married again. A widow, she put herself out there and snagged a younger man. Last week she was weeping over the six-month anniversary of her husband's death. Three days later she was engaged.

Even more horrifying, she's planning a "semi-formal" afternoon wedding. Will she wear a white lace dress, cut to reveal the small of her back? Possibly. Will she have an entourage of attendants dressed in frothy organza? No doubt. Will I take part in her special day? Absolutely not.

I think we are all entitled to planning one over-the-top, no-holds-barred nuptial celebration. But only one. After that initial dew-eyed, naive walk into marital bliss, another wedding side-show should be barred by law. It's one thing to look on with hope as a 20-something couple ties the knot and promises to live together "till death us do part." It's quite another to watch your thrice-married cousin don yet another off-the-rack satin gown and embarrass herself in front of a church full of cynics.

I came to this conclusion about five years ago. Clothed in a lavender, tea-length dress, I stood up as bridesmaid for a co-worker who inexplicably asked me to be in her wedding. It was her second marriage. I was baffled by the request, but touched as well. I had no idea she considered me her best "work friend."

Later, I found out she only wanted me up there because I was skinny and I "clean up real good."

It was a disaster. She kept us all waiting for nearly half an hour. The pastor mumbled throughout the ceremony; no one could understand a word he said. Another bridesmaid was blistering in her criticism of the bride and her getup. One of the flower girls acted up and was mercilessly whupped in front of the entire congregation.

"If I get out of this alive," I thought, knees locked with fatigue as the ceremony dragged on, "I will never do weddings again."

I can honestly say I have not gone to another wedding since. To be honest, I haven't ruled them out completely; I'll make an exception should the need arise. Where else can you watch the bride's veil catch fire from the flame of the unity candle, or a groomsman throw up all over the photographer's shoes, or hear a song sung that celebrates the joys of premarital sex? That's some hilarious stuff.

But I'm sitting this wedding out.